Loneliness

I don't like how long it's been since I wrote a blog post. Nope, not at all. I also don't like being swamped with school work and studying and tests and papers and all that crap. I wish we didn't have to have all this institutionalized garbage. I wanna go back to togas and the School of Athens, where we all just sit around and talk, and then bam ... one day you're just legit and that's the end of it. I really need to take fewer classes next semester.

Anyways, I've been thinking a lot lately about being lonely. I've had a few times recently where I've felt that way, and I'm sure that there will be many more in the coming months. I mean, I'm at this point where the summer months don't really have anything for me. I've got nothing for me here in Provo, and nothing really for me in MO either, except a job and my family. But even still, there's no progress to be had anywhere it seems like. Just me, waiting around for things to happen. Hopefully that's not how terrible it is. But getting back to what I was getting at ...

Sometimes we get lonely. And not just a little lonely. I'm talking all-consuming aloneness, deep and bitter feelings of abandonment. Whether or not we are actually as alone as we feel or not, the fact remains that those feelings are there, and therefore they are real, and we are lonely.

The funny thing is that we can't just feel lonely and function normally, even act normally. We do things to either cope with or indulge our feelings (and sometimes both).

Sometimes the things we do are stupid.

I don't necessarily mean stupid-dangerous, or stupid-illegal, or stupid-big-consequences. Just stupid. Stupid-little-consequences, or stupid-insensitive, or stupid-selfish, or a whole host of other things. Only, when we do these things, we're stuck in lonely-land ... the one inside our heads. It's like temporary, mild insanity, and what I want to know is are we responsible for acts borne out of loneliness?

I know it's kind of a weird question ... but are we? I mean sure, you can control your feelings to some extent. But sometimes you let your guard down for a little bit, and suddenly you realize you've completely given yourself over to these unhappy feelings, and you're not in the driver's seat anymore. And that's when you do the stupid things.

But is it really your fault? I mean, your head is swimming with unhappiness, and you are legitimately (at least slightly) completely nuts. Can you really be held responsible for anything you do in such a condition?

I don't know. I want to say no.

I also want to tell my inner immature self to grow up. Hah.