Snakes

I just saw that one of my friends changed their profile picture to one of them with a big, yellow python around their neck. It made my toes literally tingle with fright.

I hate snakes.

Facebook Fads

Facebook fads, trends, movements, rumors—I hate them all. You know why? BECAUSE THEY'RE STUPID. This may sound like an immature argument, but I intend to back it up, not in any sort of well-planned or thought out order, but just as it comes out of my mouth. I have a lot of rage on this subject, so be prepared. Here goes:

(1) I don't care what celebrity you think you look like. The fact is, you don't REALLY look like a celebrity, and it annoys the junk out of me that I can't tell who you are because YOU AREN'T IN YOUR OWN DANGED PROFILE PICTURE. Really, I think people just want to have really sexy profile pictures for a week (or month, as it happened) so they can hide their real faces. Grow up. We all know what you really look like, and honey, it ain't anything like Heidi Klum. I also don't care who your favorite cartoon character is. It has nothing to do with who you are as a person.

(2) Are you really stupid enough to think that changing your profile picture to a stupid cartoon character is going to do anything about child abuse? Seriously? Also, I don't want to talk to Tinkerbell or Pikachu or Betty Boop or Spongebob. And I definitely don't want to have to hover over your freaking picture to try to figure out who the heck you are. I just don't.

(3) "ATTENTION: Everyone change your profile pictures back to yourself because the group asking everyone to change their profile picture to their favorite cartoon character is actually a group of pedophiles. They're doing it because kids will accept their friend request faster if they see a cartoon picture. It has nothing to do with supporting child violence. It's on tonight's news! Copy and paste this as your status! Pass it on! Wow." I'm not even going to address the fact that this was absolutely heinous in regards to grammatical quality. But SERIOUSLY PEOPLE?? I mean, yes there are children on Facebook, but not a significant portion. Furthermore, how would a cartoon profile picture make them more likely to accept a friend request? I'm pretty sure serious pedophiles are a bit more sophisticated than that in their pursuits. And let's also point out "supporting child violence." NO ONE IS SUPPORTING CHILD VIOLENCE. Except maybe you because you think that you're doing good in the world by changing your profile picture to a stupid cartoon. Newsflash: doesn't work (please see #2 above). What is wrong with you that you can't Google the story before posting your stupid status? I mean, really? Are you THAT dumb? Is it just TOO HARD for you to check this out and make sure it's really before you spam everybody's wall with your garbage? I mean, I was already annoyed out of my mind when people started changing their profile pictures to cartoons. But the fact that people are reposting this idiotic claim that it's a group of pedophiles who started it ... Good gravy. GET YOUR FREAKING FACTS STRAIGHT, STOP POSTING GARBAGE ON MY NEWS FEED, AND CHANGE YOUR PROFILE PICTURE BACK TO YOUR OWN FACE. I'm done with this one.

(4) I know you feel scandalous and dirty when you post "turquoise" or "I like it on the desk," but I don't care what color your bra is and I'm no wiser about breast cancer after you say that. Secondly, I don't care where you like your purse, and what does that have to do with anything? It's not even funny. It's just stupid.

(5) I really just hate any sort of viral Facebooking activity. Got it? Good.

Emergency Lent

I'm calling an emergency period of Lent. Why? Because I need to give up Facebook Stalking for at least 40 days, and I think it might be the hump I have to get over to make it to, oh, idk, FOREVER.

Now, you might be thinking to yourself, "Why would Kayla do this? She has excellent connections, and skills, and sneaky ways of going about things that make her ability to Facestalk someone into practical familial closeness is nigh unto criminal, all with the added bonus of not being totally creepy and using her talents for evil."

And, of course, all these things are true. I have an arsenal of abilities, mostly brought on by excellent deductive skills, reasoning, and awareness of key technological advances that have come about in the past 5 years or so, which make me an excellent source when you're wondering about your next blind date, or trying to find out if that dude you saw in that one show is available, or not. Furthermore, these skills are never used for evil purposes, like totally creeping on strangers beyond the vital information. (Unless you count looking at strangers' wedding albums, but every girl does that, plus I look at wedding blogs, so I really just do that all the time.)

Well, despite all these magnificent things, I have come to the point where the connections between people have seriously creeped me out.

There was that one time when someone posted an album of photos from their FHE group, and one of my friends that I met through my roommate's boyfriend was in that album multiple times. That wasn't strange.

Once I was looking at a friend from MO's new pictures, went to her profile, and saw that we had a mutual friend in a girl that I got to know a little bit in CO. That was kind of random, but not too weird.

It started to get a little shocking when I went to a party hosted by one of the guys in my ward, and, while I was dancing to my heart's content, watched three former floormates (who live rather distant from where we live) walk into the party as well. I mean, there could only have been like 100-150 people who passed through that party that night. And there's only like, over 30,000 students at BYU, PLUS all the UVU kids that live here in Provo, instead of Orem. No big deal.

And then there was how I started going to a university ward back in MO (a 45 minute drive, mind you) and got to know some of the people down there. And then, when I returned to good old BYU, received a phone call from the first counselor of the bishopric of that ward, asking me if he could give his brother-in-law my cell phone number. I said yes, the young man's name was given to me, and I never heard from him. I did, however, see his name pop up on another friend's Facebook status. A friend/former floormate who is now DATING him. I mean, out of the over 30,000 students on campus, he picked one of the less than 100 girls that I could actually knew by name? No. That's not weird at all. Surprising, perhaps. But not at all an uncommon occurrence at the Y.

No, none of these things, surprising or unexpected or weird as they might have seemed for a moment have really fazed me.

But now, a threshold has been crossed and there is some SERIOUS weirdness taking place. This is what happened:

The Short Version:

Unattainable Gorgeous Man of the Week is friend to the little brother of former floormate who is friends with (related to?) a guy that I met on a random outing in early September who is friends with some of my ward BFFs.

The Long Version:

Last week, I decided, on the spur of a moment, to attend a certain event which shall remain nameless. At that event, I was surprised to encounter people I haven't seen in ages, including a certain relative of theirs that I've never met, but heard of, who arbitrarily received status as Unattainable Gorgeous Man of the Week. Because hey, he's really good looking. No big deal, right?

Fast forward to tonight. I'm sitting here, being bored and lonely and whatnot, and I decide to look at a friend's new profile picture. That, of necessity, led to looking at other pictures of that person. As I'm looking at this friend's pictures, I find a picture that I'm in. I look at the other people in the picture with us, wondering who the heck some of them are. I remember one of the guys in the picture, and I remember thinking he was cute, but that there was some barrier to getting to know him, either he was shy or dating someone or who knows what. So I think, What the heck! If his relationship status is on Facebook, then maybe that'll jog my memory and I'll know and I won't have to sit here wondering why the heck I didn't get to know this cute guy better.

Thus went my thoughts, but, behold, once upon his page, I see that we have mutual friends. Two former floormates, in fact! I notice that this young man has the same last name as one of my former floormates. It's a relatively uncommon last name, and I think, surely this girl has a family picture stowed away somewhere in here that can tell me if they're related. We're friends, and so I'm browsing through her pictures, enjoying seeing prom photos and whatnot, until I finally find one family picture.

This is where hindsight tells me I should have stopped because now's the point where it's just late enough that I don't give a crap that I'm being creepy, even though I TOTALLY am being a creeper. At least I'm (wo)man enough, and secure enough in myself to admit to it. (Because you all know that you do the exact same thing, only I'm being honest about it. Judge me, if you will, but only after you consider your own behavior, and your own integrity on the matter!)

So I come to this picture, and, surprise, the guy I'm looking for isn't in the shot, giving me no indication of whether or not these two are related to each other, specifically in the sibling sort of way. However, there is this other kid.

Don't ask me why, because for the life of me I can't fathom why I clicked on his danged name beneath the picture. I mean, the kid is CLEARLY a young'n. We're talking like, my little brother's age. It wasn't some cougar-like tendency or anything weird like that. I'm not a baby licker, like some people are. That's gross.

Regardless, I clicked on the picture.

Now, it has become clear that Facebook's "Friends" box on others' profile pages has a sixth sense regarding the people you might (and really probably do) know. I can't explain it fully, except through the following phenomenon.

As I'm looking at this young man's page, I see our box of mutual friends (aw, how sweet), and then, below it, the box of HIS friends ...

And wouldn't you know, there's the Unattainable Gorgeous Man of the Week.

At that point, I'm all like ... Whhhhhaaaaaatttttt ...... ??????? Because, frankly, this is all so sudden. I only remembered that Gorgeous Man even existed like, a week and a half ago. I've never even met the guy. Just heard about him, and seen him like twice. Maybe only once!

And yet here he is, popping up in the friends list of a high school boy whose older sister was a former floormate of mine who may or may not be related to a kind of cute guy whose relationship status remains mysterious that I met in early September when hanging out with guys who have since become ward BFFs, but who certainly were not at that particular point.

That's weird.

That's REALLY weird.

And the weirdest part about it is that I even realized how weird it was. I'm a little embarrassed that this even happened, and even more so that I'm admitting to it. But I figure we all do weird things, and it's amusing enough that it'd be selfish not to share, right? Also, it's 1:30 in the morning, and I've been alone or with family for the past 5 days, and you can imagine that that has an effect on one's sanity, whether for better or worse. Judge away, my dears. Judge away. I know that, despite my actions in my sleepily-disabled state, I am not a true creeper, and that's good enough for me.

But if you EVER need any Facebook stalking help, don't you DARE come asking me. :P

Really though, I love you all. Hope your Thanksgiving holidays were as wonderful as mine was!

How to Know If You Like Someone, part 1

So I've come to the conclusion that there are a few things in life that are unnecessarily difficult, one of them being trying to figure out if you really do like someone, especially in the middle college years of life, when it's actually important to evaluate your interest. There are a lot of things that can go wrong in the dating game. Some people just have raging hormones. Some people are desperately seeking eternal companionship. Some people are creepy. Some people are ... unfortunate looking. Some people are too shy for their own good. Some people are too outgoing and crazy for their own good. Some people are insatiable and skip from person to person. Some people are just plain lonely. Some people just can't make decisions.

It is the people who can't make decisions that I am most worried about. Mostly because I consider myself to be (at least to some extent) one of them. It can be so difficult, not knowing if you even want to go on that next date, not knowing if you're really interested in the person or just doing it for one of the reasons above, and worrying if you like someone enough to put in the effort required to make things happen. I've suffered all of these things, and more. And so it is with these poor folks (and myself, selfishly enough) in mind that I have devised a few fool-proof indicators of interest.

1. The Facebook Stalking Test, a.k.a. How Shallow Are You? just kidding ... not.

Let's face it: Facebook Stalking (hereafter known as "FaceStalking") has become a definite part of the dating experience. It has, in some ways, revolutionized the dating game--it has delivered sight to many blind daters, and lets you get a feel of people before you can even experience them for yourself. Whether this is good or bad is pretty irrelevant at this point. The fact is that there's a lot you can tell about yourself from looking at the Subject's photos.

Most people have a TON of photos, which makes things better and worse at the same time. On the one hand, you get to see a lot about what the Subject likes to do, what kind of people they hang out with, whether or not they're pimp-daddies (or pimp-mamas ... but that's just uncomfortable).

On the other hand, there's a lot of potential for awkward photos to show up. You know exactly the ones I'm talking about. The ones where the Subject made a weird face or wasn't ready for the camera. The ones where the Subject wore a weird outfit as a joke but you don't really understand the context, and so you're just uncomfortable. The ones where some cruel former classmate found a box of photographs from high school and decided to scan them all in and tag every person. We've all seen them. What's worse, we've all got them. And why? Because if you untag yourself in every awkward photo, people know you're self-conscious or vain or something. Anyways, the point is: What is your reaction to awkward photos of the Subject?

If awkward photos make you uncomfortable and slightly repulsed, pack your suitcase and move on. If there's anything about their appearance in the photos (and yes, that's in the plural because generally it's better to observe more than one awkward photo for scientific accuracy) that turns that little unattractiveness screw in your stomach and makes you regret (even a little bit) that you ever were attracted to the wretch on the screen, really--you don't truly like the person, and it's okay to let go.

HOWEVER, if you find the awkward photos endearing, adorable, funny, cute, precious, silly, and maybe even a little bit strangely attractive ... there's a very good chance that you actually do like this person! Congratulations! Now, that's not to say that they won't do something repugnant in the future. Things could fall apart at any moment. They could do something utterly unattractive and you could land on your tush, crush-less without the slightest prior indication. It happens. But for now, raise your glass: This could be love!

2. The Kiss Q, or, How Hormonally-Charged Is This Relationship?

Some time ago, I was riding in the car up to Sandy with my aunt. I was chronicling my recent dating history to her, and telling her about this guy I'd gone on a number of dates with. He was cool, nice, gentlemanly, talented, smart, and a whole host of other great things ... but there was a problem. I couldn't tell whether or not I actually wanted to keep going out with him. Although there was a definite indication that the answer was 'no' (because I thought that, more or less, anything other than 'yes' was 'no', in the words of the darling John Mayer), I still couldn't be sure because there just wasn't any concrete evidence that I didn't, or really any reason why I shouldn't have liked him and wanted to continue dating him. So my aunt asked me a simple question: "Do you want him to kiss your face?" (And, just to clarify, by "face" she meant lips. She just talks like that.)

For me, the answer was, "No. HECK no, I do not want him to kiss my face. That does not appeal to me at all!" And lo, and behold, when we went our separate ways, I was anything but disappointed. In fact, I was happy, relieved, and glad to see him making progress to his eventual EC ... who certainly wasn't me.

So ask yourself, "Do I want [the Subject] to kiss my face?" If the answer is no, step away from the merch. If the answer is yes ... get on your pony and get some.

3. "Je pense, donc je l'aime"

I may be totally ripping off Descartes' statement "I think, therefore I am" right now, but I think this is a totally valid test. For those who do not speak the sophisticated tongue, the name of this indicator is, "I think, therefore I like him/her." This is pretty self-explanatory. When you like someone, it's kind of hard to think of anything else. That's just the way it is.

It's also related to number four ...

4. The Speech Test

No, no, you don't have to give a speech. But it stands to reason that you talk about what you think about. Is the Subject coming up in conversation a lot? Are you forcing yourself to pip out of conversations because you're afraid you're annoying people because you just can't stop saying the Subject's name and bringing them into the conversation? Odds are, if the answer is yes, you've got a case of the likeys.

Odds are also that your roomies and/or close friends are gonna pick up on it too because this is like having a flashing red heart-shaped love light above your head. (Note: Tends to happen a lot when you're trying to pretend like you don't like someone. They WILL come up in conversation, and you WILL have to ask a question about it because, unfortunately, you care about what they're doing too much to let it slip by unnoticed.)

***

And now, because Natalie wants to go to bed, I'm going to let her. Poor thing looks tired and she has to get up early. Aw. What a cutie. She's like cuddling herself right now. But not in an awkward way ... Hah. GOODNIGHT :)

The Photos I Couldn't Put on Facebook

Natalie and Hannah and I went to Wyoming last weekend for Kirsten's baptism. It was a great time. And I took a few pictures while we were in the car. They're generally unattractive, but I like them anyways, so since I can't put them on Facebook where gentlemen could potentially see them, I'm sticking them on here. Hooray!

I think there might have been some more, but I took my SD card out of my computer and I don't want to go get my camera. So maybe later. Maybe. Probably not. But maybe.