Overwhelming

How do you like the blog-pimpage? Because I am LOVING it. It'll be nice when the "I'm a Mormon" button finally works, but unfortunately my page is still in a state of 'Review Pending.' I suppose I'm grateful that they DO review each page, so no one says anything ridiculous on there. But at the same time I just want to say, "I swear mine's okay! Just let it go!" Haha.

This has been an overwhelming week, both in the sense of good and in the sense of stress. I think it's mostly been good though.

One of the good things was going to hear Condoleeza Rice on Thursday. What an inspiring woman! I was so impressed with how intelligent she is (not that I expected any less), with how funny she is, how down to earth she is, and how positive she is. Of all the great things she said, however, this is one of my favorites:

Whenever you're lacking in optimism, remember your special responsibility because of where you are and what you've been granted, to hold up those who don't fall to cynicism, and to hold up those who can see a world not as it is but a world as it should be.

I think that's an interesting way to look at it. She didn't say, "Try to see the world as it could be" or "Don't fall to cynicism." Rather, she said we should hold up those who don't fall to cynicism, and who can see the world as it should be. Over time, I suppose, we should try to be those kinds of people, but I think sometimes it's enough just to say, "I cannot be like you right now, but I can support you and your cause."

Another great thing she said was, "It doesn't matter where you're coming from; it matters where you're going." Sometimes, I admit, I wish it was the other way around, because sometimes I feel like where I'm coming from is a little better, a little higher. But I guess it's just like what my bishop told me a few years ago, that life is a roller coaster. In fact, most things in life are like roller coasters. It's like being on five roller coasters all at once (only then each of those roller coasters breaks into five more, and each of those into five more, and on and on forever! Eek). You're not always going to be going up. Sometimes you're going to be dropping hard and making your stomach sick, and sometimes you're going to be spinning so fast that you can't see anything and you feel like your brain is going to be crushed against the seat back. That's just how life is.

School is definitely one of those roller coasters that I'm on right now. And then we have the individual roller coasters of each of my classes. Most of them right now feel like I'm on the first huge incline, and I'm looking at all the loops and thinking of how fast it's going to be going, and feeling like I just ate a massive chili-cheese foot-long hot dog. (I've never had one before because they make me sick when I'm just on the ground.) I am hardly doing anything, but just looking forward to the future is overwhelming. Especially when I do the homework and feel good, and then go to class and feel like a massive failure (this is most pertinent to my French class). As I see it, there are two potential lessons here: (1) Put more work into it, and (2) Hang on as tight as you can and just try not to fall off or barf on someone. I think that's all you can really do in some situations.

To get back to my French class, you know ... I'm not so sure about it anymore. I mean, I love French literature. And I love going to class and being able to understand my teacher. I love helping people do French homework and talking to myself in French (which hey, happens all the time). But I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water in that class right now, at least as far as speaking goes. I can spell and write and memorize vocab and read and listen and understand, as long as the vocab doesn't go too far off the path. For the life of me though, I can't speak to save my life. Well, that's not true. I just feel so far behind. I wish there was a section for returned missionaries, and a section for people who have just learned French in class. Also, I feel massively intimidated by my teacher. I guess I just have to deal with it at this point. It'll either be grand, or a total nightmare. I think I can hack it. I hope I can anyways. Time will tell.