Overwhelming

How do you like the blog-pimpage? Because I am LOVING it. It'll be nice when the "I'm a Mormon" button finally works, but unfortunately my page is still in a state of 'Review Pending.' I suppose I'm grateful that they DO review each page, so no one says anything ridiculous on there. But at the same time I just want to say, "I swear mine's okay! Just let it go!" Haha.

This has been an overwhelming week, both in the sense of good and in the sense of stress. I think it's mostly been good though.

One of the good things was going to hear Condoleeza Rice on Thursday. What an inspiring woman! I was so impressed with how intelligent she is (not that I expected any less), with how funny she is, how down to earth she is, and how positive she is. Of all the great things she said, however, this is one of my favorites:

Whenever you're lacking in optimism, remember your special responsibility because of where you are and what you've been granted, to hold up those who don't fall to cynicism, and to hold up those who can see a world not as it is but a world as it should be.

I think that's an interesting way to look at it. She didn't say, "Try to see the world as it could be" or "Don't fall to cynicism." Rather, she said we should hold up those who don't fall to cynicism, and who can see the world as it should be. Over time, I suppose, we should try to be those kinds of people, but I think sometimes it's enough just to say, "I cannot be like you right now, but I can support you and your cause."

Another great thing she said was, "It doesn't matter where you're coming from; it matters where you're going." Sometimes, I admit, I wish it was the other way around, because sometimes I feel like where I'm coming from is a little better, a little higher. But I guess it's just like what my bishop told me a few years ago, that life is a roller coaster. In fact, most things in life are like roller coasters. It's like being on five roller coasters all at once (only then each of those roller coasters breaks into five more, and each of those into five more, and on and on forever! Eek). You're not always going to be going up. Sometimes you're going to be dropping hard and making your stomach sick, and sometimes you're going to be spinning so fast that you can't see anything and you feel like your brain is going to be crushed against the seat back. That's just how life is.

School is definitely one of those roller coasters that I'm on right now. And then we have the individual roller coasters of each of my classes. Most of them right now feel like I'm on the first huge incline, and I'm looking at all the loops and thinking of how fast it's going to be going, and feeling like I just ate a massive chili-cheese foot-long hot dog. (I've never had one before because they make me sick when I'm just on the ground.) I am hardly doing anything, but just looking forward to the future is overwhelming. Especially when I do the homework and feel good, and then go to class and feel like a massive failure (this is most pertinent to my French class). As I see it, there are two potential lessons here: (1) Put more work into it, and (2) Hang on as tight as you can and just try not to fall off or barf on someone. I think that's all you can really do in some situations.

To get back to my French class, you know ... I'm not so sure about it anymore. I mean, I love French literature. And I love going to class and being able to understand my teacher. I love helping people do French homework and talking to myself in French (which hey, happens all the time). But I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water in that class right now, at least as far as speaking goes. I can spell and write and memorize vocab and read and listen and understand, as long as the vocab doesn't go too far off the path. For the life of me though, I can't speak to save my life. Well, that's not true. I just feel so far behind. I wish there was a section for returned missionaries, and a section for people who have just learned French in class. Also, I feel massively intimidated by my teacher. I guess I just have to deal with it at this point. It'll either be grand, or a total nightmare. I think I can hack it. I hope I can anyways. Time will tell.

First Day of School

... first day of school! Prove to Dad I'm not a fool! :)

So first day of classes is over and done with, and I don't think I've ever been so nervous in my life. Maybe I just forgot that I got nervous the past couple of semesters, but I always have this fright that I'm going to go to the wrong class. Or, like today, that (1) there are so many RMs in my French class that I feel like an idiot, and (2) I don't want people to judge me like I'm a marriage-obsessed freak for taking Marriage & Family when I'm not even seriously dating anyone. There are other reasons to take it! Hmph.

However, I am looking forward to tomorrow and getting introduced to my other classes. I've got two English classes, which are, of course, wonderful. One's going to be kind of small and awkward, but that's okay. (Just to explain, it's so small and awkward that they are advertising it on the English bulletin board in the JFSB. I blame the professor for sending out an email like, before Thanksgiving I swear, explaining that we were going to focus on "poetry, love, and the cosmos." Literally half the class dropped it after he sent that. Including me, but then I had to sign up for it again. Boo.) The other is American literature, and I hope that somehow I will learn to appreciate it, because, as is, I kind of hate it. But I am open to it, so that's a good thing, right? :) Then there's the Kennedy Center Lecture Series, with Heather and Natalie, and finally, Music 202. I am actually weirdly excited for Music 202, except for the fact that it's an evening class. The only other section of it is taught at 8 a.m., and I don't think I can handle that. Haha. But maybe I will switch if I can't take the 2.5 hour insanity that is an evening class? Who knows. Idk if I can make it all the way to the JKB by 8 a.m. ... probably not.

Since writing the above I have had a sad experience. It occurred to me that, although I do not yet have my book (it is still being shipped), the library does have it. So I looked it up, and it showed that there was a copy checked out, but it didn't indicate how many copies of the book they had, and since there are often multiple copies, I thought, "Hey, why not?" So I go up to the library, fully expecting to find this book on the shelf, and therefore expecting to be able to do my homework.

Not the case. The book wasn't there, my feet were aching really badly (I had on my new boots. Squee.), and I couldn't do my homework. Actually, a more accurate statement is that I still can't do my homework, because I still don't have my book. Is it too much to ask for the miracle of it showing up tomorrow? I kind of think so, but we shall see. Perhaps I will just get one from the Bookstore and return it asap? I don't even know if I can do that. I wish I could find someone with a copy of the book, and then I would borrow it from them for like an hour and it would be lovely. Who knows though. Gosh books, just get here.

I'm sick of waiting. Plus, it makes me nervous to not have it. :( Boo.

This Must End

You may have noticed that I haven't blogged anything in the past month. I owe this to the fact that I was overcome with some sort of self-consciousness since there were people (besides the people who always read it and/or hear about almost everything I write about anyways) who were reading it. I know you aren't judging me, so I don't know why I got so self-conscious about it, but I did and that's the truth. So I have about 50 (no actually it's only like 5) drafts piled up in Windows Live Writer that are just waiting to be finished, because I can't really compile my thoughts suitably. Basically I just didn't like what was coming out. However, I've come to the realization that I really need an outlet. I've been going crazy over the past couple weeks, and I think it's because I haven't taken the time to write my thoughts down and clear out all the excess gunk in my head so that I can actually function like a normal human being, which is what I'd really like to do with myself right about now. I can no longer keep these things to myself. The silence must end. NOW.

So I have a couple of things going through my head right now, the first of which is my sociology class. It's just Soc 111, nothing special. I mean, I really like the class and I think it's totally great, and I found out that Jake Heaps is in my class today, which is kind of interesting I suppose. Anyway, we had these big old papers due a couple of weeks ago and we just got them back today. Which wouldn't have been a big deal, except that I found out that my printer sabotaged me. For those of you who don't comprendo, here's what happened:

The Violent and Tragic Destruction of Page Four

Yeah. I turned that in. (Moment of Irony: "Dancing Through Life" from Wicked just came on my iTunes, and the line that says "mindless and careless" played right as I uploaded these photos. Well said, Fieyro. Thanks for pointing out my own idiocy.) I mean, do you see how heinous that looks?? It's so embarrassing that I let that slip under my radar. I should know better. This happened to me once in my first semester, and it was just as embarrassing, only less because I actually knew the person who was grading it. (Why is it more embarrassing when a stranger grades it??) But yeah. How could I let it happen? I remember being in such a hurry, and that I was a tiny bit late to class that day... Gosh. Lesson learned. I no longer trust my beast of a printer, not a bit.

In other news ... I had a great moment last night after Heather and I went on a walk last night. We ended up getting home at like 1:00, and I stayed up doing who knows what until like 1:30-1:45ish. I go into the dark bedroom and proceed to prepare myself for bed. Being that it was dark, I had to turn my lamp on, which totally woke Natalie up. I really didn't mean to, but I didn't adjust the angle of the lampshade as well as I thought I had, and it was terrible. To my surprise, however, she sits up a little bit and starts talking to me.

"What did you win?" she asks. I, of course, am confused as heck. What did I win? What on earth is she talking about?

"I don't know what you're talking about," I say back, continuing to change into my pj's.

"She had a Wheel of Fortune thing out there. What did you win?"

I still am extremely confused, but also extremely tired, so I kind of ignore the question and keep getting ready for bed.

"By the way," Natalie says to me, "This isn't dream talk. I'm awake."

Oh really?

I give some kind of non-committal response and go brush my teeth. By the time I'm done, she's asleep again and I go to sleep.

This, of course, is not the end of the story. As I'm putting on my makeup this morning, Natalie comes in to do the same and asks me, "When did you go to bed last night?" I tell her that it was 1:30, 1:45ish that I went to bed.

"Did I try to talk to you last night?"

Oh yes. Yes, you did. I told her this, at which point it became very funny. I admit, in the middle of the night, I was more confused than amused, though it was a funny moment. It was one of those moments when exhaustion made everything less funny rather than more funny. Once we were both fully aware that she was totally like, dream-talking to me, we both laughed. Like I said, it was funny.

This brings up something else that I'd like to talk about. Have you ever had a moment when you have been trying to nap, or have accidentally fallen asleep, or you're trying to go to bed, and then someone wakes you up or says, "Oh yeah, she's asleep," but you find yourself either suddenly conscious, or you simply hadn't fully fallen asleep? I know it's a confusing way to put it, but I think you understand. You're all intelligent folks. Have you ever noticed that whenever this happens, you often feel this sudden need to alert everyone around you to the fact that you're awake? It seems so important! They have to know that you weren't asleep. Never mind the fact that you're completely incoherent and the only thought that IS forming in your head is "I'm awake. They have to know I'm awake." All the while, you're just proving that you're totally not awake OR coherent. So silly, and yet it always seems like such an urgent matter... Funny.

In other good news, the BYU Bookstore had a $1 Book Sale! It was great. I didn't even know it was happening, and then this girl who was at a focus group that I went to (which I'll tell you about in two shakes) told us that she went to it. And I was like, "BOOKS FOR A DOLLAR? Sign me UP baby!" So I went with my awesome amiga Katie, during the time that I should have been in class... but the focus group was gonna make me 15 minutes late anyways, and I think it's so rude to interrupt class like that, especially a class with only like 30 people in it, that I just can't do it. So I skeeeeeped. Whatever. No big deal.

Anyways. I'm going around and I find all of these great books. Like FIVE great books that I want super bad. And I think to myself, "It's so great that I have been keeping my wallet in my backpack lately!" (I usually don't, because I usually leave it in my purse, also because I don't want to have money for food when I have food at home that I can eat.) And then I realize that no, I do not have my wallet. I had to lend Natalie some money last night so we could pay our electric bill and my wallet wasn't there. So I think, well if Katie has money with her, I can pay her back pronto once I get my wallet. Alas, Katie's wallet is not in her backpack either. Desperate for these books, I head to the register to beg this girl to hold the books for me. Then I see my friend Glen from Missouri who happens to work at the Bookstore. The girl, of course, tells me that she can't hold the books for me. I try to explain that it'll only be 15 minutes and I'll be back with my wallet. She still can't do it. Glen, naturally, hears my predicament and offers a suggestion: that I hide the books in a box underneath one of the tables and then put another box on top of it. So that's what I did. I then ran home to grab my wallet.

By this time, I've got a time crunch because I wanted to walk home from class with Rachel, so I needed to go and get my wallet, get back to the Bookstore, buy the books, and get back over to the sound circles in front of the JFSB at 12:50. Naturally, when I get home, my wallet is nowhere to be found. I look everywhere I can think of, including my bed and the closet where the washer and dryer are. But all my searching is in vain. I'm starting to get antsy, and my brain is saying, "God doesn't want you to have these books!" and my heart is fighting with my brain saying, "BUT IT'S GOOD TO HAVE BOOKS! AND THEY'RE ONLY A DOLLAR!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!" I start sending out frantic text messages to my roommates, trying to figure out if any of them saw it or know where it went. But it's no good. No one knows where my wallet is, and I'm starting to have horrible visions of people going under the table, pulling out the top box, and finding all five of my darling $1 books in the bottom box, then laughing as they twirl their curlicue mustaches and cradle my books beneath the sheath of their black cloak (total Bowler Hat Guy style). Terror was running through my veins. It was horrendous. Just as I'm about to give up, I see a bump under the rug. Lo, and behold, tis my wallet. So I ran back, retrieved my books from the box (you can't imagine my relief when I saw them there), purchased them, and ran to meet Rachel to walk home. It was great. Here's what I bought:

Snapshots by Michal Govrin

The Work of Print: Authorship and the English Text Trades 1660-1760 by Lisa Maruca

Sky in a Bottle by Peter Pesic

The Beautiful Fall: Fashion, Genius, and Glorious Excess in 1970s Paris by Alicia Drake

Flaubert: A Biography by Frederick Brown

Quite the mix, wouldn't you say? I'm actually really excited about all of them. The first one, Snapshots, was translated from Hebrew, and it's written by an Israeli woman who has won every single one of Israel's literary awards. The Work of Print is more historical, and talks about the changing concept of authorship and print culture during the Enlightenment period. Then there's Sky in a Bottle, which is also kind of historical, and talks about the changing understanding of the answer to the question, "Why is the sky blue?" through history, art, science, and the works of classical philosophers. Sounds fascinating, no? The fourth one, The Beautiful Fall also sounds interesting. I've never read a book about fashion and stuff before, and it looks super cool. The last one, Flaubert, is probably going to be the hardest read of all, but we just learned about Gustave Flaubert and Madame Bovary in my French class, and it sounds like he had a kind of crazy life, and I'd like to understand more about him. So that'll be cool. But yeah ... pretty fun, huh? I'm stoked to read them. Also to amass a larger collection of books. I love books. Oh so very much.

Anyways, on to the focus group stuff. Today, as I was hanging with Rachel and Katie and we were chilling on some of the couches on the third floor and I'd accepted the fact that I was absolutely not going to get to take a nap when a man walks up to us and asks us if we're doing anything over the next hour and would we like to attend a focus group with some consultants from the East Coast. We said okay and followed him into a classroom where there were a couple people hanging out in front of some blueprints of the Wilk and a computer with a slideshow going on it.

The purpose of the focus group was to discuss how students use the Wilk currently, and what could be changed to make the Wilk more appealing to students, and what might draw them to the Wilk during the evenings, most particularly on the first floor in the Post Office/Bowling Alley/Outdoor Adventures area. It was actually really interesting to think about why I go the places I go in the Wilk, what kinds of changes I'd like to see, what kind of changes they're thinking of making, and what I liked and disliked about the proposed changes.

And let me tell you, those changes look COOL. The study won't be over until January, and then I'm sure it'll be some time before they actually put those changes into action and actual construction, but I really want to be here when they happen so I can actually use them. They really look awesome, and they could make that area down there so hoppin' I would probably never want to leave. Okay, that's a total exaggeration, but it is going to be awesome. Be so excited for the future, guys! It's gonna be FLYYYY :)