Double Dipping

So this is me double dipping on my posts. I know I just posted one like two minutes ago that was all in love and adoration of John Mayer. And he is a fantastic musician. But, for whatever reason, I got listening to some MoTab, as I am wont to do sometimes. Plus, today I listened to "My Joy is Full" while cooking spaghetti for dinner. I'll post both of those videos down below so you can listen to them.

It's just phenomenal to me how music, written and performed in praise and worship of Christ, is so... superior. Really, it is. I mean, it's fun to listen to upbeat songs, and there are satisfying melodies and lyrics and things that we can relate our mortal experience to. All these things are enjoyable. Certainly it often seems as though nothing is missing. Maybe that's because some music doesn't allow the Spirit to be present, and maybe it's just because sometimes we're so caught up in the present that we forget the glorious eternity that surrounds us. Maybe it's a little bit of both. But, even if we don't recognize what's missing, there IS something missing. There's a feeling that you get listening to songs that praise and worship Christ that is so unbelievable. For me, when I listen to these two songs in particular, it's like actually touching eternity. As if it were some vast river of crystal clear water, swirling around us, something you could actually dip your fingers in. Something I'd like to immerse my whole self in, and just be saturated with.

Wouldn't it be great to be able to listen to Church music all of the time? I mean, yeah some of it is boring and some of it is just ... cheesy (EFY CDs, Janice Kapp Perry, anyone?). But songs like the ones I'm about to post have to be on the Celestial Soundtrack. Honestly, they both bring me to tears just listening to them. Especially "My Joy is Full," and that one doesn't even have lyrics, except for "alleluia." Though, now that I google'd the defined meaning of that word, it's the Greek spelling of the Hebrew word which means "Praise ye Jehovah." I guess there aren't any words that are more fitting, any lyrics more worthy. What else is there to say? I mean really, in our whole lives, what more is there to say? (Listen to all of this, coming out of the cyber-mouth of an English major who's hoping to be a writer some day... It makes all of my so-called "hopes and dreams" sound so frivolous and temporary.)

I decided to be a nerd and look up some music-y quotes. I found a great one from President J. Reuben Clark Jr., who said, "We get nearer to the Lord through music than perhaps through any other thing except prayer." I certainly have a testimony of that, one that is reinforced every time I listen to songs like these. If music this heavenly can be brought to us (because it is unquestionably inspired), just imagine how unbelievably glorious music that's actually in heaven will be. I almost think that the whole air will be full of beautiful music and will smell sweeter than anything we can imagine, and the whole place will be covered in colors that are beyond our comprehension ... How could someone not want to be there? Oh gosh, I wish my thoughts could always be this uplifted, always this focused on what's beyond. I wish my life didn't require so much attention, wasn't full of so much distraction. But I suppose that's just how it is. Learning to cope with it, handle it, love it. How else could we even hope to deserve a glimpse of all that beauty before us unless we had experienced its opposite? How could we understand and appreciate it fully unless we knew what a lack of beauty, of glory, looked and felt like? And now that makes me want to say that I want to be exposed to as much of that opposite as possible so I can soak up as much of the wonder in the future. But that's practically asking for suffering ... and I guess I AM almost saying that. I don't think I will, lest I want to knock on wood immediately following. Anyways. Enough of my ramblings. Here are the videos. Enjoy! :)

This is the Christ

My Joy is Full

John Mayer

I've been just about drowning in John Mayer lately. I always kind of secretly liked a few of his songs, but for the most part I shunned them (especially songs like "Say" and "Waiting on the World to Change," the first which is annoying, and the second which is annoying for an entirely different and fairly politically charged reason). Anyhow, I've been listening to Battle Studies a lot. Less of Continuum, simply based on the fact that Battle Studies is so emotionally charged that anything else just seems ... weak. I suppose I need to listen to Continuum more, but since two of the songs on that album are "Say" and "Waiting on the World to Change," I suppose I find it simpler just to not have to skip over those two. Somehow I feel like that's a sort of burden. I don't know. It's pretty stupid, but I guess that's the only real reason I can think of.

You've probably noticed (particularly if you're connected with me via Twitter as well) that I'm on kind of a wedding/marriage/love sort of kick. And of course this may pass, and maybe there's some part of me that's terrified that I'm going to NOT get married and then have the opportunity to serve a mission and then end up on some sweltering island where all anyone eats is seafood and I become a vegetarian for eighteen months and come back looking like a shriveled waif (not that I couldn't spare a few pounds ... but let's not talk about that). And that makes marriage look like such an escapist route, but whatever. If it happens, it happens. I'll jump those bridges when I come to them.

Anyways, that, in addition to many, many, many marriage-related discussions that have come up in the past few weeks (because let's face it, that's the time of life, and I keep hearing about all these psycho girls going off and getting married and junk ... it's hard not to avoid) ... has led me to think a lot about John Mayer's lyrics. Because, after all, I got hooked up with Battle Studies and Continuum via my mom's best friend and one of the most amazing people on the planet, and she was a part of lots of those conversations too. So let's go through some of this. I'll even post you links to the songs that I mention, so you can listen to them (and please do, because this album is really rather wonderful, albeit kind of depressing).

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1. Let's start with track numero uno, "Heartbreak Warfare." First off, how awesome of a title is that? A freaking awesome one, if you ask me. It's so ... true. Gosh. Anyways, here's the song.

The line I really like in this song is "If you want more love, why don't you say so?" I think sometimes we are just too proud to tell someone what we really want. Maybe they're afraid that they're going to smother us (similarly, maybe we're afraid we'll smother them) and we don't let them know how much we need them. Because we do need people and if we're too scared or too proud to tell them we need them, we can never be truly vulnerable, and if you aren't really vulnerable, you can't really give your heart away, you can't love.

2. The second song on the album, "All We Ever Do is Say Goodbye" is so phenomenal. Not only do I love the lyrics, but there's a fantastic change in the harmony in the chorus. The first two times he goes through the chorus, he establishes a harmony at a third below the melody, a la traditional musical style. The third time he goes through the chorus, after the bridge, he changes the harmony in the second line of the chorus to a second below. It is the saddest, most beautiful sound. You can feel heartache oozing out all over your skin. It's completely delicious. So listen for that me dearies...

The lines I like best in this song are these: "I love you more than songs can say, but I can't keep running after yesterday." I mean, gosh. More than songs can say? It's so fantastic. But the running after yesterday part is so potent. So often, we turn our faces to the past and try to take things back to the way they once were. As if there weren't enough books and movies and life experiences showing us that it's impossible to go back to "the way it used to be." It's the past, it passed, and it's long gone. Chasing it is a futile endeavor.

I also love how he says, "Why you wanna break my heart again? Why am I gonna let you try?" Some of us are dumb enough to go right back into the arms of the people who tear our hearts to shreds. You know, I'm a big fan of giving people second chances. Really. I think we ought to forgive and forget, in most cases. But there does come a point when you really just can't let people brutalize your heart. It's not cool. Anyways ... moving on ... haha.

3. "Half of My Heart," the third track on the album (nice pattern, eh?) is pretty good. I confess, I haven't listened to it a ton. It's a little upbeat after "All We Ever Do is Say Goodbye."

Alrighty. So this line is probably kind of unexpected, but my favorite is "I made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself." Maybe this is just my inner optimist, but I think there are a lot of softies out there disguised as jerks because they're too scared to let themselves be vulnerable. I'm probably going to have to present a little discussion about vulnerability at the end of this, just because I have a lot of thoughts on it.

4. Now we skip to track number ... EIGHT. Yep. I just skipped like five songs. Actually only four, but whatever. They are good. Well, except for "Crossroads," which I don't like at all. The rest ("Who Says", "Perfectly Lonely", and "Assassin") are pretty good. Especially the first two. Even though one is about getting stoned, and the other's just kind of depressing. Anyways. On to ... "Edge of Desire."

I love that song. SO MUCH. It's so beautiful. I mean, let's just point out all of that gorgeous desperation. I love desperation. (For another song that's rife with desperation, seek out "Sweet Attention" by Rookie of the Year.) I love the ... vulnerability. Haha. True story though. I'll get to that later though.

I love it when he says "I'm scared you'll forget about me." Isn't that one of our greatest fears? That the people we love most will forget about us? (Take that in a religious perspective for a moment, and it's also totally mind blowing. How often do we forget Christ, and yet how much does He love us? We are truly unworthy beings, the most undeserving recipients of His love. I can't help but think of that scripture that talks about how we are lower than the dust of the earth, because even it instantly obeys His commands, while we are willful, disobedient, and thoroughly imperfect.)

5. The last song of the album (and yes, I skipped another song! I love it, but I don't have any commentary at this point). "Friends, Lovers, or Nothing."

Okay, this is just the truest statement of all time. "Friends, lovers, or nothing. There can only be one. There'll never be an in-between, so give it up." Seriously. So true. And then the final, fading out words, "Anything other than 'yes' is 'no,' Anything other than 'stay' is 'go,' Anything less than 'I love you' is lying ..." John Mayer, you speak words of truth my dear.

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I'd also like to point out that he's pretty darn good looking. And he's got that whole moody musician thing going on. Check out that album cover. Campbell's Soup, baby. MmmMmm good.

Okay. Now it's time for the Vulnerability Talk, inspired by Sister N's comment that "You can't really fall in love until you've had your heart totally broken." Which I totally agree with. Why? Because unless you know someone can hurt you that badly, you don't know how vulnerable you can be. And if you don't understand the extent of your own vulnerability, love can't be a sacrifice. When you know how badly another person can hurt you and are still able and willing to give your heart to someone, that's sacrifice, and more than sacrifice, it's trust. And love takes trust. A lot of it. How much trust can you put in someone when your vat of life experience looks like one of those Walmart kiddie pools? I'll tell you ... about as much trust as there is water in a kiddie pool.

Of course, there are people who simply never get their hearts broken. And they get married and I'm sure they live happily ever after. But I think there's a depth of feeling that is only accessible when you've had your heart broken, BECAUSE it is such a sacrifice, BECAUSE you have to put so much more trust in a person in order to completely give your heart away.

There are other people, of course, who let heartbreak harden them. There are people who are playing love games (pardon the Gaga reference) who won't let anyone get near their heart. (I think these are usually also people who let a lot of people get near their skin, but that's just a personal observation). You can't love someone else, or let them love you when you've got your heart under padlock. It isn't possible. And sometimes, I think, there are people who don't let their hearts get broken. They go through all the motions, but they don't let themselves feel it. They make themselves numb to it or something. I don't know.

There's a pretty decent chance that I'm not making any sense right now. But I hope I am. Maybe sometime when it's not 12:30 in the a.m., and my thoughts are flowing more clearly and I've got time to really put them together in a clear, cohesive phrasing, I'll do it. Right now this is all I've got.

I'm still trying to decide whether or not I've had that kind of a heartbreak. I think I have, a few times, on several different levels. I think I'm one of those people who is really in touch with their emotions. And not in a cool, inspiring sort of way. I mean in a pathetic, emotional sort of way. Oh gosh. Okay. Just shutting up now. Suffice it to say that, depressing as this post seems to be, I really am gosh darned happy and super stoked for life. I just have an affinity for sad songs. :)

Boooooring

It has been an ever so long and boring day. The fam and I were supposed to go up to St. Louis and I was getting oh-so excited for that ... art, contemporary art, a little bit of that big-city feeling that Jefferson City is sorely lacking in. However, our plans fell through, I spent the first half of the day in my pajamas and only got slightly fixed up to go dishwasher shopping with my parents, along with returning a skirt that I bought like two months ago (I didn't try it on and it turned out to be too big, not to mention just being an awkward style) and then I bought some huge and very overpriced earrings at Claires. I hate Claires, but there was no way to get huge earrings anywhere else for any cheaper. Ultimately, I guess I'm satisfied. I've spent the rest of the day playing every piano song I can play with any amount of skill, and reading The Rules of Engagement by Catherine Bush, which is really turning out to be much more of a disappointment than I ever expected. Now I'm drinking cream soda, and it's started to rain. How delightful.

Anyhow, I spent a little bit of time nursing my wedding blog addiction. Fortunately, the amount of posts I allow to come in has become so overwhelming that it stifles and controls my addiction pretty well. I found a lot of new cakes that I like. I'm also becoming a fan of square cupcakes (cool idea, yeah?). Gosh my life is so boring right now.

There are so many books I want to read. Right now, I could really go for some Anna Karenina. Not that I've ever read it, and not that I've heard a lot of good things about it, but I'm kind of in the mood for some stifling Russian literature. I'm sure I'll change my mind 3 pages into it, but whatever. I struggle because modern literature tends to be so inappropriate, American literature tends to be so depressing, and British literature tends to be lacking in romantic tension. That's probably why I watch so many BBC movies. All the class, but with the added tension that is less apparent in the text. I suppose what I really need to do is to pay better attention when I read instead of spacing out, as I am wont to do.

Let me tell you, it's a bummer when you have big exciting things happening and bit exciting things to look forward to, but you're stuck in the dry patch between them. It's like reading. And I hate the dry patches a lot. Bleh. I'm going to go finish this book (FINALLY) and then get on to reading something better. Either that or I'll go watch Great Expectations. Maybe some of both. Who knows. Also, hopefully my next post will be more interesting. Hah.

Lake Time

Oh man ... what a weekend! I got to have a surprise visitor from Colorado and oh boy did we have fun. Laurel is so awesome! :) We went wakeboarding and tubing and saw Eclipse (hahahahaha) and did all sorts of wonderful things. I'm looking pretty tan (and sunburned, depending on which parts of my body you are looking at).

It was funny, while we were tubing, because there was a storm coming in. I happened to be wearing a pair of sunglasses, and since it was July 3rd, there was so much boat traffic and the water and sky looked so dark (thanks to the sunglasses) and it was totally terrifying. Not only did it LOOK scary, but with all the boat traffic, I was afraid that if anyone fell out they'd get sushi'd. But it did get me thinking about water, how gorgeous it can be, how calming the sounds of it can be, and, simultaneously, how powerful and frightening it can be, with rainstorms and currents and hurricanes and things like that. It's pretty awesome.

I've also been listening to a lot of John Mayer the past couple days. I was having like, an overload of emotions and exhaustion last night, just so much excitement for things, so much random, unexplained stress, and stuff like that... it was the weirdest thing. I just needed to cry to get it all out. I never actually ended up crying, but singing along with JM's Battle Studies album really helped. Then I went to bed early (11:30 ish), and woke up at like 10:15. Needless to say, I feel a lot better, I was getting pretty sleep deprived with work and staying up late and spending so much time on the lake, so it was good to catch up. Sleep is very important, and something I need to make sure I get enough of next year. That's one of my goals. Haha.

I'm so excited for this coming week. Today's my last day of work this week, I have friends coming up from South Jordan, UT next week (hopefully I will get to see them and won't be super scheduled with work) and then, exactly one week from today, I will be en route to Colorado, I'll get to spend a couple of days there, and then it will be off to SAN DIEGO. Can I just tell you how much I love flying in airplanes? Because I really do. I love planes and airports and stuff like that. It's oh so very cool. :) Then after that it's only like 3-4 weeks before I go to school! Holy crap! So awesome. And with a growing list of people I need to go on dates with and hang out with and get set up with, that's looking ever more appealing (as if it weren't appealing enough already).

Life is good. Even when you don't want to go to work in like 45 mins, it's good. So, so, so good. :)