New Blog Address??

So many changes, so little time! This one, perhaps, slightly unnecessary because I'm basically only changing it because I was sick of signing in and out of email accounts every time I wanted to post something new and then check my email or Google Reader or whatever. The irritation was in the extreme, and it wouldn't let me change the email address on my old account. So I imported all my old blog posts, and here it is. I tried to make everything exactly the same as the other one (which is still out there, floating in cyberspace until I have the heart to delete it, which I don't know if I'll ever summon up).

Anyways, a little bit about my life these days ... not a lot, except that I am TOTALLY sunburnt. That might be a slight exaggeration. It's not like I look like one of those Flamin' Hot Crunchy Cheetos or anything. ...

Yuck. Both in terms of thinking of looking like one of those, and in terms of thinking of eating one of them. They just look gross, don't they?

Anyhow, I really enjoyed the pool today. I spent the first 20 minutes or so reading the book Rebekah, the second in Orson Scott Card's Women of Genesis series while eating fresh cherries and a Butterfinger. It was delightful, although I have to admit that I was having a hard time getting into the book. It just was so similar to the first one (Sarah) that I was honestly a little disappointed. Beyond that, I was really struggling to relate to the book. Then Rebekah was having issues with barrenness and everything was okay. Hah. Just kidding ;)

After that, Aubrie and I played in the pool. It was such a good time. We were goofing off and stuff for at least an hour, wearing goggles and swimming all twisty like (which is way cooler in a clear salt water pool with goggles on than when you're just swimming around with your eyes totally shut). We also had fun with the part where all the water comes out. Idk what it's called, but since we had goggles on, we could play with it and stuff. Since the water was coming out super hard, it would push your skin around ... it was pretty gross looking. But then Aubrie and I figured that if we opened our mouths and hung onto the wall above it, our lips and mouths would get pushed wide open and it looked so darn funny that we did that for at least ten straight minutes. It was an awesome pool, albeit a little small, and we had it all to ourselves. It was really hot though, and after a while I got tired and started reading my book again, just in time for my mom to come up (no mean feat, as the road leading up from the condo to the pool is super steep, and that coupled with the blazing Missouri sun and humidity ... it's just brutal). She also had a book, and eventually Sister Roberts came up. It was while they were both up there that I got super burnt. I mean, my legs are just radiating heat. Serves me right for not wearing sunscreen, I suppose. And then I was out there for several hours. Yup, I'm an idiot.

Anyways, I'm not being particularly interesting today, I know. But the next few days are going to be fun. It's gonna be back and forth between being home for work and being back at the lake to hang out with Colorado friends. Dare I say I kind of resent the fact that I'm working at all this next month? I mean, it's pretty pointless, considering the fact that I will be gone practically half the month of July with the San Diego trip. I dunno ... I suppose I just wish I was working somewhere else. Which is totally ungrateful of me, because I'm lucky to even have a job in an economy like this. And I suppose when I'm actually there, I don't mind it so much. It just keeps getting in the way of things. I would so much rather work early in the morning like, a specified few days of the week. Better yet, I would like to choose my work schedule around the things I WANT to be doing (within reason, of course). Maybe that's why I want to be a writer. And why my parents are always touting the virtues of starting your own business, because if you can get a company running on employees, you have money coming in and all you have to do is look down upon it and make sure nothing crazy happens. Granted, it's not as easy as all that, but it would be nice if it was.

Today my mom and I were talking (again) about my scholarship. She's worried that I will lose it. I also am worried that I will lose it. I'm worried for a lot of things, actually. But right now I will only focus on this part. And that is that I'm afraid that my British Literary History class will totally kill my scholarship and I will lose it. I'm not worried about my other classes at all, but on RMP, people called it the hardest class they'd ever taken at BYU, and that's pretty intimidating. I just don't know which is the right choice--trying to work a little on my major each semester, loading up with GEs this next semester to try and pad my GPA (although it has been the GEs in the past that have brutalized my GPA, not my major classes), or whatever other options I have. I suppose I will have to see how things go, and pray hard about it because I don't want to lose this wonderful gift that God keeps laying at my feet. Every time I start sinking, he hands me a life saver, I swear.

Here's something that has had me confused for the past couple of days. In D&C 130:20-21, it reads: "There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated--And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to the law upon which is it predicated." So here's my problem. Although I studied, I did not study hard enough to keep that scholarship. I honestly cannot understand how I even managed to keep it at all, although I know that it did. And frankly, I don't know how I could have been obeying any law upon which such a blessing could be predicated. I know that my dad was praying for me to be able to keep my scholarship and succeed in school, so was my being able to keep it the result of my dad's prayers? This is what I have thought, because I absolutely cannot attribute it to my lacking obedience. So does God give blessings to one person because they deserve it, even though the direct recipient might not? Although I certainly believe God loving enough to do such a thing, the scripture seems so clear. "When we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to the law upon which it is predicated." I received a blessing, but I can't accept that it was any of my obedience that would give that result. I know for certain that I did not deserve it.

The more I think about this, the more it makes me think that this extra money (because my mom told me that my college fund has enough in it to cover the cost of college without my scholarship) needs to be spent towards ... I don't know what. Either really bad economic problems are about to come upon my family (unlikely), or ... I don't know. I have no idea. There are so many possibilities jumping into my head right now. God is giving me the means to do something, but what? What is it? Am I supposed to go on an expensive Study Abroad? Am I going to get married soon and will then need all the money I can get my hands on? What is God's plan for this? For me?

I wish I understood things better. I wish life could be simplified like it was in the days of Abraham, and Isaac, and Jacob when suddenly one day someone was coming and asking you to be their wife and you were having instantaneous spiritual confirmation that it was the right thing to do. Granted, they were all real people and they did experience hardships, but geeze. It seems like life would be so much easier if your husband just showed up at the door of your tent one day and then you just went and lived with him and his household and tended to the care and keeping of a house instead of going to college and trying to figure out who to date and what major you're going to do and how you're going to handle the rest of your life. I suppose I just romanticize everything. They did it the same way we do now, just living life one day at a time, and consistently seeking to strengthen their faith and improve their understanding so that they might more fully serve God and know his will concerning their lives. I guess that's all any of us can ask for.

Swoon

So I've been listening to the song "When You've Got a Good Thing" by Lady Antebellum again a lot lately. It really makes me appreciate country music, and just music in general. I mean, when they sing the words, "I can't believe I've finally found you baby, happy every after after all this time," I feel like I've already found my one and only. Granted, it's a little depressing when I remember that I'm still looking. But in that moment, I feel so happy and excited and fulfilled and loved. Then it passes, and I'm left with chills up and down my limbs. Love is such a beautiful thing. :)

Life is ...

Wonderful.
Beautiful.
Stellar.
Exciting.
Joyous.
Comforting.
Peaceful.
Awesome.
Thrilling.
Exhilarating.
Titillating.
Happy...

I'm happy, so very, very happy.

You know what I want to do? I want to build a fantastic tent and fill it up with pillows and blankets and little tea lights everywhere, because that's the kind of mood I'm in: a relaxed sort of  blissfulness, with little tingles of excitement. (Note to self: Do this on a date sometime. That would be saweeeeet.)

I wish we could all be happy all of the time like this. Oh what a wonderful world that would be. I'm just glad I get to feel it right now :)

New Look, New Focus

So I've had a pretty lame blog layout lately. I've also had a lot of other lame things. Mostly lame me, because I've not been fulfilling my potential for the last, eh, year or so. That being said, I've been doing some reading lately, and after such an amazing trip to Nauvoo yesterday, and such a phenomenal block of meetings today, I've managed to come to the conclusion that there's no better time to focus my life than now, now when most of my life is kind of about me anyways, self-centered and egotistical though that may sound.

What I've been reading is the book Believing Christ by Stephen E. Robinson. The book, I believe, originated from a speech that Brother (Elder?) Robinson gave at a BYU devotional just a few months before I was born. (You can find it here if you don't have ready access to the book). It's all about the Atonement and it is truly amazing. I've only read the first chapter so far, and already I feel so much better about life and the whole plan and everything, so much more positive. Things have become so much clearer.  And for the past little while, I've been (ahem) stupid. Doing everything right is hard, and I'm kind of lazy, and frankly, I have lacked the motivation to really focus my life. Don't get me wrong, I haven't been out doing shady things or anything. But the amount of time and the number of opportunities that I've lost to get to know my Savior better have been much more numerous than I'd care to admit. I don't really have a good excuse. Every now and then I'd think, "I really should re-prioritize things ..." but I never really would. Or I would for a couple of days, and then it'd be back to the same old lazy schedule. But no more! Really. I've been inspired, led, guided ... it's about time I get on my pony with these things! Want to hear how the layout of this blog comes into this? Of course you do ;)

The front cover of the book has an illustration of Christ, the title, name of the author, and a little blurb that says: "The parable of the bicycle and other good news." So what's the parable of the bicycle? Let me copy and paste it out for you :)

After I had come home from school one day, I was sitting in a chair reading the newspaper. My daughter Sarah, who was seven years old, came in and said, "Dad, can I have a bike? I'm the only kid on the block who doesn't have a bike." 

Well, I didn't have enough money to buy her a bike, so I stalled her and said, "Sure, Sarah." 

She said, "How? When?" 

I said, "You save all your pennies, and pretty soon you'll have enough for a bike." And she went away. 

A couple of weeks later as I was sitting in the same chair, I was aware of Sarah doing something for her mother and getting paid. She went into the other room and I heard "clink, clink." I asked, "Sarah, what are you doing?" 

She came out and she had a little jar all cleaned up with a slit cut in the lid and a bunch of pennies in the bottom. She looked at me and said, "You promised me that if I saved all my pennies, pretty soon I'd have enough for a bike. And, Daddy, I've saved every single one of them." 

She's my daughter, and I love her. My heart melted. She was doing everything in her power to follow my instructions. I hadn't actually lied to her. If she saved all of her pennies she would eventually have enough for a bike, but by then she would want a car. But her needs weren't being met. Because I love her, I said, "Let's go downtown and look at bikes." 

We went to every store in Williamsport, Pennsylvania. Finally we found it--the perfect bicycle, the one she knew in the premortal existence. She got up on that bike; she was thrilled. She then saw the price tag, reached down, and turned it over. When she saw how much it cost, her face fell and she started to cry. She said, "Oh Dad, I'll never have enough for a bicycle." 

So I said, "Sarah, how much do you have?" 

She answered, "Sixty-one cents." 

"I'll tell you what. You give me everything you've got and a hug and a kiss, and the bike is yours." Well, she's never been stupid. She gave me a hug and a kiss. She gave me the sixty-one cents. Then I had to drive home very slowly because she wouldn't get off the bike. She rode home on the sidewalk, and as I drove along slowly beside her it occurred to me that this was a parable for the Atonement of Christ. 

We all want something desperately--it isn't a bicycle. We want the celestial kingdom. We want to be with our Father in Heaven. And no matter how hard we try, we come up short. At some point we realize, "I can't do this!" That was the point my wife had reached. It is at that point that the sweetness of the gospel covenant comes to our taste as the Savior proposes, "I'll tell you what. All right, you're not perfect. How much do you have? What can you do? Where are you now? Give me all you've got, and I'll pay the rest. Give me a hug and a kiss; enter into a personal relationship with me, and I will do what remains undone."

 Oh me oh my. Great story, huh? Now, this isn't a picture of an awesome new bicycle. But it is an awesome picture of a bicycle that was once new. And it's new to this blog, so I submit that it is sufficient, and not only that, but appropriate.

I've heard this story before, and I absolutely love it. It's fantastic, precious, simple, true, and very touching. I hope you think of this story every time you open up my blog!

So now the blog has a make-over, my life is in the process of getting a mini-make-over, I just got a hair make-over (though that's not really applicable at this point). What does that mean for the blog content? Well, it won't be getting a total make-over, but for the past few months I've been thinking about my writing, about the things I'm good at writing, and the things it's good for me to write. I really think my best, most worthwhile work, that which brings me the most happiness, and that which benefits me the most has always been work for religion classes. So while I'm sure you'll get tons of other updates, I think it's worthwhile to chronicle more things of a religious nature.

Quitter

Okay. Time for a creeper post. Haha.

So today I went to Nauvoo. On the way up to Columbia (where the Relief Society was meeting to go to Nauvoo) I was listening to my iPod, and a particular song came up. It's called "Quitter" by Carrie Underwood. Now, granted, I love this song for it's fantastical chorus which is oh-so-fun to sing along with in the car. But I had been thinking about possibly seeing that one friend of mine, and how my mom has been telling me that I need to make more of an effort... and I realized I'm kind of a quitter. In fact, I might not even try hard enough to be considered a quitter. Which honestly is a little pathetic.

But here's the thing: most of the reasons I randomly stop being totally into guys (such as that one friend) are totally invalid, or are started by one awkward Facebook picture, or one creepy dream I had, or seeing them go on dates with other people. And these are totally irrational things, but once they seed, I kind of let them grow and then the poor guys can't do anything right. It's terrible. I think part of it is that I don't really try. I quit, I give up, I move on out because (CLICHE ALERT) I'm scared. Yep. I said it. Don't be offended or lame-d out. Keep listening to me :)

I got thinking about the phrase "let the chips fall where they may." Now, after researching this, I have discovered that it originates from woodcutters needing to focus on cutting trees down, and not paying attention to where the chips fall. But I suppose I'm of a more worldly mindset, because when I think of chips falling, I think of Vegas and poker chips and hefty guys with pinstriped suits and fat cigars. So when I hear, "let the chips fall where they may," I imagine a shower of poker chips and it's kind of awesome. But as I was thinking about it, I thought, You don't just drop a handful of poker chips. You play the game, and let them fall to whoever wins the hand. And there's no possibility for reward unless you play the game. You have got to play the game. You don't have to put all your chips in at once. Not every game is the "big leagues," and it's okay if you lose some here or there. But the fact is that you can't get anything out unless you put something in. You have to make an effort, not be lackadaisical.

And I have not been playing the game. I've been sitting around with a handful of cards, not putting anything on the line, and it's not getting me anywhere.

A couple months ago, I would have excused myself for not being an active player in the game. And all of my excuses would have been valid. I was stressed out about my scholarship, summer was fast approaching, I was homesick, I was feeling pretty immature, and I was freaked out about a lot of things, including the many people around me who were biting the bullet and doing things that I presently consider completely revolting (laugh all you want, you know you're thinking the exact same thing). My mom used to tell me that she thought that, if freshman year was the time for me to get married, then I wouldn't shy away from it. But oh me oh my, I would have shied. Hard. Because when I think about marriage, I think about having to care about someone forever, having to make the most important decision of my entire life, having to clean up after someone else and worry about their life and be responsible for them and be physically involved with them (which, let's be honest here, makes me want to lose my cookies all over the place).

So as I'm sitting in the temple, and I've been thinking about my commitment issues all day, and kind of been a little nervous-excited about possibly seeing my amigo, and talking to all these girls who were teen brides ... and then I realized that marriage is a commandment. And when I think about marriage, all I think about are the negative things listed above, the fluffy lovebirdy stuff (which I guess is okay), and the actual wedding part with the cake and the bridesmaids and the ring and (swoon) the dress. So basically everything that is either completely temporary, or lasting things in a negative light, or stuff that sucks, or anything that will make me responsible for any future misery ... or any mixture of those. And I realized that there is so much more to it than just "aw I love you and I want to love you and kiss you and hug you forever." It's WAY more than that. Granted, all of the things that suck (family budgeting, anyone? BLECH) are also a part of it. But really, who cares? There's a whole picnic of deliciousnesses and all I can think about are the buzzing flies and the questionable looking jello. Stupid me.

As I said, a couple of months ago, I didn't want to bother being an active player, because even though I vaguely wanted to get married (because everyone wants to get married), it seemed like something I wouldn't want to do for a long, long time, if at all. I had so many mental barriers that I figured it would take some huge emotional alarm clock going off to get me to even give the possibility of it a real chance. At times, I seriously thought I'd be okay with not getting married at all.

But now, I'm thinking ... I actually DO want to get married. Seriously. And for the first time in my life, I want a marriage more than a wedding. (Warning: This may pass. I may end up wanting a wedding just as much as a marriage within the next couple of days ;) Haha).

And here's another thing. Marriage is a COMMANDMENT. So you know how it doesn't really count if you just vaguely think, "Oh scriptures are good" and kind of wait for them to fall into your lap and start reading themselves to you? Same concept. If you want the blessings of scripture reading, you actually have to do it. Likewise, if you want to have the blessings of a temple marriage, you can't just wait around for someone to come along and fall in love with you and marry you. You've got to be a part of the game, make an effort, and when someone awesome comes along, don't tell yourself, He's alright. He's a great guy, but this and this and this don't really mesh well with me blah blah blah. Okay. STUPID. I mean, obviously there are times when you know you absolutely can't deal with something (i.e. drinking, swearing, smoking, immorality, porn addiction, really really ugly smelly corn-covered feet, etc.), but for the most part, I think it's surprising the kinds of people we can get along with when we are willing to let ourselves get to know them, and if we're willing to make an effort. I mean, after all, you're pretty much looking for a permanent roommate ;) So I think there are more concessions that you have to be willing to make (not suggesting that I ever had to make any concessions or anything, but you know what I mean). Focus more on the good qualities than the nitpicky, unimportant details. Plus, if you're living right and keeping God in the loop, He isn't going to let you screw up and marry the wrong person. I mean, HELLO. That'd be a total rip off. It's the biggest decision of your life and He isn't going to abandon you!! :)

I thought about the past couple of guys I've gone on dates with. And there were a lot of things at play that killed my interest (most of which were my fault), but I think the biggest flaw in my dating strategy was that I was trying to get another date, and not trying to really get to know the person or build up any sort of relationship with them. And, although I usually got more dates, in the end, it really didn't add up to much. I didn't really make much of a real effort, and I wasn't really playing the game. I didn't allow myself to put much at stake, and so there were little to zero returns on those minimal efforts that I made. And I guess that was understandable, since I didn't really have a goal in mind. I was just kind of mindlessly wandering through the dating world. But now that I know solidly what I'm shooting for, now that I grasp (if only just slightly) the absolute awesomeness of it, things are gonna change. I'm leaps and bounds closer to seeing myself in that position, with who knows who way sooner (not sure how soon though) than I would ever have expected. And you know what? I'm really okay with it. Really, really okay :)

Complainy-wainy

I felt bad complaining more on Twitter, so I've come to Blogger to complain.

Alright. So my day was pretty bad. Well, mostly my evening was really bad. I have serious FHE problems, and I was really grumpy during FHE. After the lesson was over, my little sister wanted to play Apples to Apples. I really don't like Apples to Apples. It's really boring unless you're playing with the right people. My family is not the right people to play Apples to Apples with. Anyways, I was super tired and I was sitting in the chair and I was going to take a little napski while they all played A2A. My mom was like, "Kayla come on and play Apples to Apples" and I said I didn't want to. She told me that I could either play A2A or wash dishes. I thought she was kidding, but I was kind of annoyed that she'd even suggested such a thing. So I went into the sunroom and laid on the couch and the cat took a nap on my stomach. All was well. And then my mom came in and started yelling at me for not washing the dishes. Let's also point out that our dishwasher is broken, so every single stinking dish, fork, knife, spoon, cup, measuring cup, etc. has to be washed by hand. And she had every intention of making me do it all by myself. Which, you know, I wouldn't have really minded doing except that she was punishing me for not playing Apples to Apples when I was already pissed off before they even started playing. So naturally, I'm like, angry beyond my ability to even contain it, and since I couldn't like, throw stuff at the wall, I started crying and my mom and I get in this huge fight because since when do people get punished for not wanting to play games?? WHAT THE HECK MOM?!?!?!?!? Gosh. Just thinking about it makes me want to scream. Ugh. And she was like, "I thought saying that would make you choose playing the game" which means that making me do the dishes was just to like, prove her own authority over me. UGH. I hate power struggles. Especially when they happen over the fact that I didn't want to play a stupid card game. That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.**see note at end of post**

Ben Barnes, take me away from this.

I've been wishing I was at school for a couple of days, just because being home is not all it's cracked up to be. At least, not when I'm stuck at home all day. When I'm going to the student ward and going to work and stuff, it's really not so bad. It's when I have to hang out at home all day. I need some friends that I can hang out with. Mucho mucho mucho.

Anyways. That's kind of the main background to what I really want to complain about.

So I'm coming down the stairs with my quilt in one hand, my computer in another, and a tortilla and a granny smith apple tucked in and about my person. The apple falls all the way from the top step and bounces really hard. I could practically hear it bruising as it went down. Then I go down stairs, and just as I get to the bottom, I put my foot down and my ankle twists so I come down on the side of my foot. Because both of my hands were full, I couldn't grab anything, and I fall all the way down on the floor, and hear my foot crack about 20 or so times. It was disgusting. And it hurt like the dickens. Then I tried to stand up and go up the stairs to figure out what to do to prevent it from swelling or anything, and that hurt even worse. So now I've got a ziplock back full of ice wrapped around my foot with one of those long, tan stretchy bandages that's really old and smells like Icy Hot. Yuck.

It's a bad, bad night.




**SIDE NOTE** My cousin, about five years ago (when she was my age), after having been baptized a couple of months earlier, moved out of her mom's house over a dish washing-related argument. She moved in with her friend, they copulated for a while, and then she moved into her new boyfriend's house. They copulated and conceived a child, who is now about 4 years old. My cousin is now living with her next boyfriend/fiancé, and she's already pregnant with his child. The moral of the story: dish washing arguments can end disastrously. Thank goodness I have no desire to copulate, and no one to move in and copulate with. Blech. 

Copy of an Fbook Note

Some random-o Twitter account posted this quote a couple of minutes ago:

"It’s amazing how one day someone walks into your life and then you can't remember how you lived without them."

I would like to submit a response to this quote:

"It's amazing how one day someone walks completely out of your life and then you can't remember how you lived with them."

Pessimistic? Yes. Bee-yatchy? Maybe.

False? Not in the slightest.

Skanks.

This Post Protected On: 27 October 2010

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Clichés and Things

I've been thinking a lot about clichés lately. Mostly that we're all just a part of the clichés, whether we embrace them, or hate ourselves for secretly wanting to embrace them and so we rebel against them completely. I don't mean to suggest that we're all the same, or that we're not unique. But I do think that, for the most part, we are. A lot of what makes us different is which clichés we allow ourselves to embrace, and which ones we push back against. I'm willing to admit myself to be a huge cliché. I'm like the biggest cliché BYU student ever. Except for about the head sweaters. My hatred of those is pure, and not remotely tainted by a secret desire to wear one. But I digress. We're all so cliché. That's how they happen, isn't it?


Let's get on to something different though. I just listened to a song that talked about this girl and how this one guy will always have a special place in her heart because he was her first love. I've heard a lot of people say that, ya know, in movies and stuff. Or just in general. And let me tell you, that's all complete and utter B.S. Any girl who leaves a spot in her heart for her first love is not over him yet. Which, you know, is cool if you marry your first love. But hanging on to that is just ridiculous, even if you say you're "over it," you're not. It's SUCH A LIE. Just saying.

Okay. Now I've had my rant session. I'm gonna listen to some NPR now, just to ... clear my head.