Quitter

Okay. Time for a creeper post. Haha.

So today I went to Nauvoo. On the way up to Columbia (where the Relief Society was meeting to go to Nauvoo) I was listening to my iPod, and a particular song came up. It's called "Quitter" by Carrie Underwood. Now, granted, I love this song for it's fantastical chorus which is oh-so-fun to sing along with in the car. But I had been thinking about possibly seeing that one friend of mine, and how my mom has been telling me that I need to make more of an effort... and I realized I'm kind of a quitter. In fact, I might not even try hard enough to be considered a quitter. Which honestly is a little pathetic.

But here's the thing: most of the reasons I randomly stop being totally into guys (such as that one friend) are totally invalid, or are started by one awkward Facebook picture, or one creepy dream I had, or seeing them go on dates with other people. And these are totally irrational things, but once they seed, I kind of let them grow and then the poor guys can't do anything right. It's terrible. I think part of it is that I don't really try. I quit, I give up, I move on out because (CLICHE ALERT) I'm scared. Yep. I said it. Don't be offended or lame-d out. Keep listening to me :)

I got thinking about the phrase "let the chips fall where they may." Now, after researching this, I have discovered that it originates from woodcutters needing to focus on cutting trees down, and not paying attention to where the chips fall. But I suppose I'm of a more worldly mindset, because when I think of chips falling, I think of Vegas and poker chips and hefty guys with pinstriped suits and fat cigars. So when I hear, "let the chips fall where they may," I imagine a shower of poker chips and it's kind of awesome. But as I was thinking about it, I thought, You don't just drop a handful of poker chips. You play the game, and let them fall to whoever wins the hand. And there's no possibility for reward unless you play the game. You have got to play the game. You don't have to put all your chips in at once. Not every game is the "big leagues," and it's okay if you lose some here or there. But the fact is that you can't get anything out unless you put something in. You have to make an effort, not be lackadaisical.

And I have not been playing the game. I've been sitting around with a handful of cards, not putting anything on the line, and it's not getting me anywhere.

A couple months ago, I would have excused myself for not being an active player in the game. And all of my excuses would have been valid. I was stressed out about my scholarship, summer was fast approaching, I was homesick, I was feeling pretty immature, and I was freaked out about a lot of things, including the many people around me who were biting the bullet and doing things that I presently consider completely revolting (laugh all you want, you know you're thinking the exact same thing). My mom used to tell me that she thought that, if freshman year was the time for me to get married, then I wouldn't shy away from it. But oh me oh my, I would have shied. Hard. Because when I think about marriage, I think about having to care about someone forever, having to make the most important decision of my entire life, having to clean up after someone else and worry about their life and be responsible for them and be physically involved with them (which, let's be honest here, makes me want to lose my cookies all over the place).

So as I'm sitting in the temple, and I've been thinking about my commitment issues all day, and kind of been a little nervous-excited about possibly seeing my amigo, and talking to all these girls who were teen brides ... and then I realized that marriage is a commandment. And when I think about marriage, all I think about are the negative things listed above, the fluffy lovebirdy stuff (which I guess is okay), and the actual wedding part with the cake and the bridesmaids and the ring and (swoon) the dress. So basically everything that is either completely temporary, or lasting things in a negative light, or stuff that sucks, or anything that will make me responsible for any future misery ... or any mixture of those. And I realized that there is so much more to it than just "aw I love you and I want to love you and kiss you and hug you forever." It's WAY more than that. Granted, all of the things that suck (family budgeting, anyone? BLECH) are also a part of it. But really, who cares? There's a whole picnic of deliciousnesses and all I can think about are the buzzing flies and the questionable looking jello. Stupid me.

As I said, a couple of months ago, I didn't want to bother being an active player, because even though I vaguely wanted to get married (because everyone wants to get married), it seemed like something I wouldn't want to do for a long, long time, if at all. I had so many mental barriers that I figured it would take some huge emotional alarm clock going off to get me to even give the possibility of it a real chance. At times, I seriously thought I'd be okay with not getting married at all.

But now, I'm thinking ... I actually DO want to get married. Seriously. And for the first time in my life, I want a marriage more than a wedding. (Warning: This may pass. I may end up wanting a wedding just as much as a marriage within the next couple of days ;) Haha).

And here's another thing. Marriage is a COMMANDMENT. So you know how it doesn't really count if you just vaguely think, "Oh scriptures are good" and kind of wait for them to fall into your lap and start reading themselves to you? Same concept. If you want the blessings of scripture reading, you actually have to do it. Likewise, if you want to have the blessings of a temple marriage, you can't just wait around for someone to come along and fall in love with you and marry you. You've got to be a part of the game, make an effort, and when someone awesome comes along, don't tell yourself, He's alright. He's a great guy, but this and this and this don't really mesh well with me blah blah blah. Okay. STUPID. I mean, obviously there are times when you know you absolutely can't deal with something (i.e. drinking, swearing, smoking, immorality, porn addiction, really really ugly smelly corn-covered feet, etc.), but for the most part, I think it's surprising the kinds of people we can get along with when we are willing to let ourselves get to know them, and if we're willing to make an effort. I mean, after all, you're pretty much looking for a permanent roommate ;) So I think there are more concessions that you have to be willing to make (not suggesting that I ever had to make any concessions or anything, but you know what I mean). Focus more on the good qualities than the nitpicky, unimportant details. Plus, if you're living right and keeping God in the loop, He isn't going to let you screw up and marry the wrong person. I mean, HELLO. That'd be a total rip off. It's the biggest decision of your life and He isn't going to abandon you!! :)

I thought about the past couple of guys I've gone on dates with. And there were a lot of things at play that killed my interest (most of which were my fault), but I think the biggest flaw in my dating strategy was that I was trying to get another date, and not trying to really get to know the person or build up any sort of relationship with them. And, although I usually got more dates, in the end, it really didn't add up to much. I didn't really make much of a real effort, and I wasn't really playing the game. I didn't allow myself to put much at stake, and so there were little to zero returns on those minimal efforts that I made. And I guess that was understandable, since I didn't really have a goal in mind. I was just kind of mindlessly wandering through the dating world. But now that I know solidly what I'm shooting for, now that I grasp (if only just slightly) the absolute awesomeness of it, things are gonna change. I'm leaps and bounds closer to seeing myself in that position, with who knows who way sooner (not sure how soon though) than I would ever have expected. And you know what? I'm really okay with it. Really, really okay :)