Anyways, a little bit about my life these days ... not a lot, except that I am TOTALLY sunburnt. That might be a slight exaggeration. It's not like I look like one of those Flamin' Hot Crunchy Cheetos or anything. ...
Yuck. Both in terms of thinking of looking like one of those, and in terms of thinking of eating one of them. They just look gross, don't they?
Anyhow, I really enjoyed the pool today. I spent the first 20 minutes or so reading the book Rebekah, the second in Orson Scott Card's Women of Genesis series while eating fresh cherries and a Butterfinger. It was delightful, although I have to admit that I was having a hard time getting into the book. It just was so similar to the first one (Sarah) that I was honestly a little disappointed. Beyond that, I was really struggling to relate to the book. Then Rebekah was having issues with barrenness and everything was okay. Hah. Just kidding ;)
After that, Aubrie and I played in the pool. It was such a good time. We were goofing off and stuff for at least an hour, wearing goggles and swimming all twisty like (which is way cooler in a clear salt water pool with goggles on than when you're just swimming around with your eyes totally shut). We also had fun with the part where all the water comes out. Idk what it's called, but since we had goggles on, we could play with it and stuff. Since the water was coming out super hard, it would push your skin around ... it was pretty gross looking. But then Aubrie and I figured that if we opened our mouths and hung onto the wall above it, our lips and mouths would get pushed wide open and it looked so darn funny that we did that for at least ten straight minutes. It was an awesome pool, albeit a little small, and we had it all to ourselves. It was really hot though, and after a while I got tired and started reading my book again, just in time for my mom to come up (no mean feat, as the road leading up from the condo to the pool is super steep, and that coupled with the blazing Missouri sun and humidity ... it's just brutal). She also had a book, and eventually Sister Roberts came up. It was while they were both up there that I got super burnt. I mean, my legs are just radiating heat. Serves me right for not wearing sunscreen, I suppose. And then I was out there for several hours. Yup, I'm an idiot.
Anyways, I'm not being particularly interesting today, I know. But the next few days are going to be fun. It's gonna be back and forth between being home for work and being back at the lake to hang out with Colorado friends. Dare I say I kind of resent the fact that I'm working at all this next month? I mean, it's pretty pointless, considering the fact that I will be gone practically half the month of July with the San Diego trip. I dunno ... I suppose I just wish I was working somewhere else. Which is totally ungrateful of me, because I'm lucky to even have a job in an economy like this. And I suppose when I'm actually there, I don't mind it so much. It just keeps getting in the way of things. I would so much rather work early in the morning like, a specified few days of the week. Better yet, I would like to choose my work schedule around the things I WANT to be doing (within reason, of course). Maybe that's why I want to be a writer. And why my parents are always touting the virtues of starting your own business, because if you can get a company running on employees, you have money coming in and all you have to do is look down upon it and make sure nothing crazy happens. Granted, it's not as easy as all that, but it would be nice if it was.
Today my mom and I were talking (again) about my scholarship. She's worried that I will lose it. I also am worried that I will lose it. I'm worried for a lot of things, actually. But right now I will only focus on this part. And that is that I'm afraid that my British Literary History class will totally kill my scholarship and I will lose it. I'm not worried about my other classes at all, but on RMP, people called it the hardest class they'd ever taken at BYU, and that's pretty intimidating. I just don't know which is the right choice--trying to work a little on my major each semester, loading up with GEs this next semester to try and pad my GPA (although it has been the GEs in the past that have brutalized my GPA, not my major classes), or whatever other options I have. I suppose I will have to see how things go, and pray hard about it because I don't want to lose this wonderful gift that God keeps laying at my feet. Every time I start sinking, he hands me a life saver, I swear.
Here's something that has had me confused for the past couple of days. In D&C 130:20-21, it reads: "There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated--And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to the law upon which is it predicated." So here's my problem. Although I studied, I did not study hard enough to keep that scholarship. I honestly cannot understand how I even managed to keep it at all, although I know that it did. And frankly, I don't know how I could have been obeying any law upon which such a blessing could be predicated. I know that my dad was praying for me to be able to keep my scholarship and succeed in school, so was my being able to keep it the result of my dad's prayers? This is what I have thought, because I absolutely cannot attribute it to my lacking obedience. So does God give blessings to one person because they deserve it, even though the direct recipient might not? Although I certainly believe God loving enough to do such a thing, the scripture seems so clear. "When we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to the law upon which it is predicated." I received a blessing, but I can't accept that it was any of my obedience that would give that result. I know for certain that I did not deserve it.
The more I think about this, the more it makes me think that this extra money (because my mom told me that my college fund has enough in it to cover the cost of college without my scholarship) needs to be spent towards ... I don't know what. Either really bad economic problems are about to come upon my family (unlikely), or ... I don't know. I have no idea. There are so many possibilities jumping into my head right now. God is giving me the means to do something, but what? What is it? Am I supposed to go on an expensive Study Abroad? Am I going to get married soon and will then need all the money I can get my hands on? What is God's plan for this? For me?
I wish I understood things better. I wish life could be simplified like it was in the days of Abraham, and Isaac, and Jacob when suddenly one day someone was coming and asking you to be their wife and you were having instantaneous spiritual confirmation that it was the right thing to do. Granted, they were all real people and they did experience hardships, but geeze. It seems like life would be so much easier if your husband just showed up at the door of your tent one day and then you just went and lived with him and his household and tended to the care and keeping of a house instead of going to college and trying to figure out who to date and what major you're going to do and how you're going to handle the rest of your life. I suppose I just romanticize everything. They did it the same way we do now, just living life one day at a time, and consistently seeking to strengthen their faith and improve their understanding so that they might more fully serve God and know his will concerning their lives. I guess that's all any of us can ask for.
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