I've Got Chic in My Pants.

So this is super gross, and I wasn't going to post it ... but I can't help it anymore. I can't keep this to myself. And so, from a couple of weeks ago, I give unto you The Poop Story:

There is one thing standing between me and having children. Actually, that's a lie ... at this point, there are several things, including lack of a husband, lack of willingness to engage in The Nasty, and some other things, but let's ignore all that and pretend none of it exists.


I can't have children because I can't handle their poop.

This is not a joke. I babysat today and I realized I had to change the little girl's diaper. I thought I could get away with pretending that it happened just moments before her mom got home, but no success. Also, the stink of it was giving me a headache. So, of course, before even opening the diaper I start gagging/dry heaving. Heavily. Then I open it, see the horrific mess, and proceed to throw up. With my mouth shut. Naturally, I'm then grossed out both by what's in my mouth and what's in front of my face, but I just... well ... I swallowed it.

Then it came back up again. And I swallowed it again. This isn't a little trickle of vomit. My whole mouth was full of it. I'm not joking here.

Finally, that whole mouthful and then some more decide to come back up, and I couldn't handle it. So I went and paid homage to the porcelain god before returning and finishing the nasty poop problem.

You probably don't want to know any of this, but I'll just tack this on. I threw up in my mouth again after the whole ordeal was over, while I was chugging glasses of water down trying to get the flavor of vomit out of my mouth. It was disgusting. And you know how your tongue cramps up when you dry heave and when you throw up? Yeah. Still is a little crampy and painful and it's been like an hour and a half. I hate poop. So much.




So yeah ... that's my super disgusting story. Don't get me wrong, I love kids. But I'm waiting for someone to invent some kind of vacuum-bidet that you can strap on a baby's lower portion, turn on, and have it suck off the diaper and swish the baby's tush clean. After that comes into being, I might consider having children. I would also be willing to wait until I'm stunningly rich and can hire someone to do the dirty work for me. Blech.


Well, let's leave this stinky story on a good note, shall we?





Hi-larious.