I've been just about drowning in John Mayer lately. I always kind of secretly liked a few of his songs, but for the most part I shunned them (especially songs like "Say" and "Waiting on the World to Change," the first which is annoying, and the second which is annoying for an entirely different and fairly politically charged reason). Anyhow, I've been listening to Battle Studies a lot. Less of Continuum, simply based on the fact that Battle Studies is so emotionally charged that anything else just seems ... weak. I suppose I need to listen to Continuum more, but since two of the songs on that album are "Say" and "Waiting on the World to Change," I suppose I find it simpler just to not have to skip over those two. Somehow I feel like that's a sort of burden. I don't know. It's pretty stupid, but I guess that's the only real reason I can think of.
You've probably noticed (particularly if you're connected with me via Twitter as well) that I'm on kind of a wedding/marriage/love sort of kick. And of course this may pass, and maybe there's some part of me that's terrified that I'm going to NOT get married and then have the opportunity to serve a mission and then end up on some sweltering island where all anyone eats is seafood and I become a vegetarian for eighteen months and come back looking like a shriveled waif (not that I couldn't spare a few pounds ... but let's not talk about that). And that makes marriage look like such an escapist route, but whatever. If it happens, it happens. I'll jump those bridges when I come to them.
Anyways, that, in addition to many, many, many marriage-related discussions that have come up in the past few weeks (because let's face it, that's the time of life, and I keep hearing about all these psycho girls going off and getting married and junk ... it's hard not to avoid) ... has led me to think a lot about John Mayer's lyrics. Because, after all, I got hooked up with Battle Studies and Continuum via my mom's best friend and one of the most amazing people on the planet, and she was a part of lots of those conversations too. So let's go through some of this. I'll even post you links to the songs that I mention, so you can listen to them (and please do, because this album is really rather wonderful, albeit kind of depressing).
1. Let's start with track numero uno, "Heartbreak Warfare." First off, how awesome of a title is that? A freaking awesome one, if you ask me. It's so ... true. Gosh. Anyways, here's the song.
The line I really like in this song is "If you want more love, why don't you say so?" I think sometimes we are just too proud to tell someone what we really want. Maybe they're afraid that they're going to smother us (similarly, maybe we're afraid we'll smother them) and we don't let them know how much we need them. Because we do need people and if we're too scared or too proud to tell them we need them, we can never be truly vulnerable, and if you aren't really vulnerable, you can't really give your heart away, you can't love.
2. The second song on the album, "All We Ever Do is Say Goodbye" is so phenomenal. Not only do I love the lyrics, but there's a fantastic change in the harmony in the chorus. The first two times he goes through the chorus, he establishes a harmony at a third below the melody, a la traditional musical style. The third time he goes through the chorus, after the bridge, he changes the harmony in the second line of the chorus to a second below. It is the saddest, most beautiful sound. You can feel heartache oozing out all over your skin. It's completely delicious. So listen for that me dearies...
The lines I like best in this song are these: "I love you more than songs can say, but I can't keep running after yesterday." I mean, gosh. More than songs can say? It's so fantastic. But the running after yesterday part is so potent. So often, we turn our faces to the past and try to take things back to the way they once were. As if there weren't enough books and movies and life experiences showing us that it's impossible to go back to "the way it used to be." It's the past, it passed, and it's long gone. Chasing it is a futile endeavor.
I also love how he says, "Why you wanna break my heart again? Why am I gonna let you try?" Some of us are dumb enough to go right back into the arms of the people who tear our hearts to shreds. You know, I'm a big fan of giving people second chances. Really. I think we ought to forgive and forget, in most cases. But there does come a point when you really just can't let people brutalize your heart. It's not cool. Anyways ... moving on ... haha.
3. "Half of My Heart," the third track on the album (nice pattern, eh?) is pretty good. I confess, I haven't listened to it a ton. It's a little upbeat after "All We Ever Do is Say Goodbye."
Alrighty. So this line is probably kind of unexpected, but my favorite is "I made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself." Maybe this is just my inner optimist, but I think there are a lot of softies out there disguised as jerks because they're too scared to let themselves be vulnerable. I'm probably going to have to present a little discussion about vulnerability at the end of this, just because I have a lot of thoughts on it.
4. Now we skip to track number ... EIGHT. Yep. I just skipped like five songs. Actually only four, but whatever. They are good. Well, except for "Crossroads," which I don't like at all. The rest ("Who Says", "Perfectly Lonely", and "Assassin") are pretty good. Especially the first two. Even though one is about getting stoned, and the other's just kind of depressing. Anyways. On to ... "Edge of Desire."
I love that song. SO MUCH. It's so beautiful. I mean, let's just point out all of that gorgeous desperation. I love desperation. (For another song that's rife with desperation, seek out "Sweet Attention" by Rookie of the Year.) I love the ... vulnerability. Haha. True story though. I'll get to that later though.
I love it when he says "I'm scared you'll forget about me." Isn't that one of our greatest fears? That the people we love most will forget about us? (Take that in a religious perspective for a moment, and it's also totally mind blowing. How often do we forget Christ, and yet how much does He love us? We are truly unworthy beings, the most undeserving recipients of His love. I can't help but think of that scripture that talks about how we are lower than the dust of the earth, because even it instantly obeys His commands, while we are willful, disobedient, and thoroughly imperfect.)
5. The last song of the album (and yes, I skipped another song! I love it, but I don't have any commentary at this point). "Friends, Lovers, or Nothing."
Okay, this is just the truest statement of all time. "Friends, lovers, or nothing. There can only be one. There'll never be an in-between, so give it up." Seriously. So true. And then the final, fading out words, "Anything other than 'yes' is 'no,' Anything other than 'stay' is 'go,' Anything less than 'I love you' is lying ..." John Mayer, you speak words of truth my dear.
I'd also like to point out that he's pretty darn good looking. And he's got that whole moody musician thing going on. Check out that album cover. Campbell's Soup, baby. MmmMmm good.
Okay. Now it's time for the Vulnerability Talk, inspired by Sister N's comment that "You can't really fall in love until you've had your heart totally broken." Which I totally agree with. Why? Because unless you know someone can hurt you that badly, you don't know how vulnerable you can be. And if you don't understand the extent of your own vulnerability, love can't be a sacrifice. When you know how badly another person can hurt you and are still able and willing to give your heart to someone, that's sacrifice, and more than sacrifice, it's trust. And love takes trust. A lot of it. How much trust can you put in someone when your vat of life experience looks like one of those Walmart kiddie pools? I'll tell you ... about as much trust as there is water in a kiddie pool.
Of course, there are people who simply never get their hearts broken. And they get married and I'm sure they live happily ever after. But I think there's a depth of feeling that is only accessible when you've had your heart broken, BECAUSE it is such a sacrifice, BECAUSE you have to put so much more trust in a person in order to completely give your heart away.
There are other people, of course, who let heartbreak harden them. There are people who are playing love games (pardon the Gaga reference) who won't let anyone get near their heart. (I think these are usually also people who let a lot of people get near their skin, but that's just a personal observation). You can't love someone else, or let them love you when you've got your heart under padlock. It isn't possible. And sometimes, I think, there are people who don't let their hearts get broken. They go through all the motions, but they don't let themselves feel it. They make themselves numb to it or something. I don't know.
There's a pretty decent chance that I'm not making any sense right now. But I hope I am. Maybe sometime when it's not 12:30 in the a.m., and my thoughts are flowing more clearly and I've got time to really put them together in a clear, cohesive phrasing, I'll do it. Right now this is all I've got.
I'm still trying to decide whether or not I've had that kind of a heartbreak. I think I have, a few times, on several different levels. I think I'm one of those people who is really in touch with their emotions. And not in a cool, inspiring sort of way. I mean in a pathetic, emotional sort of way. Oh gosh. Okay. Just shutting up now. Suffice it to say that, depressing as this post seems to be, I really am gosh darned happy and super stoked for life. I just have an affinity for sad songs. :)
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